Lately

So things have been changing for me quite a bit lately.

Lately is a very loose term. I guess the last 2 years have been full of pretty big changes. But, for the last 6 months at least, my life found a very comfortable (read: lazy) and content spot to curl up in.

At the time I didn't feel especially cut off or disconnected. But now...now I have found somebody that I want to let in and with them I want to go out, show off, do things. So, now that we go out and I run into people whom I have known since I was a teenager yet I haven't seen for literally years,they all say the same phrase and it makes me realize I did drop off for a while. They all say "Where have you been? You, like, dissapeared for a while." I guess the time just passed and things moved forward while I built walls. The sad part is, good things happened during my "dropping out" time, but I have nobody to reference those days with. Those days were mine and the Bean's, but a 5 year old's memory is a tricky thing. Does that mean I just lost that time. It's gone because it can't be referenced.

Even more strange,When I was comfy and content, it didn't mean I was at all secure. And how, explain to me, does one find a way to be insecure when they don't have anybody around to judge them.

Don't get me wrong, I did all the things I was supposed to. I worked, ate, played, I was still a great mom and if anything my son, my little Bean kept me sane. Getting up in the morning was for him completely. Going out for the day to the park or bowling or planting a garden...all for him. At times, I'd have a significant other involved in my life, or in retrospect, an insignificant other, I guess. But, the realationships I held were distant and really didn't involve too much interaction.Insignificant.

But, I digress...things are changing. I want and need now for something other than the pure neccesities. I actually want MORE of something of someone. Now, I could see the argument that not wanting for things is a good thing and spiritually correct and all that crap...but hey, I'm American. Wanting more is what we do. Manifest Destiny, bitches...from sea to shining sea.

I've met someone who I've always known. I feel like, eventhough I didn't know his favorite sleeping position, or what deoderant he used, or even what the touch of his hand felt like, I knew something about him. And, I felt like he knew me quite well too. That's a strange feeling, to have so much information about someone, to communicate so much with somebody and still not know exactly what it feels like to breath the same air.In other words, to be more basic and lose the poetic extras, I felt intimate with someone I had never really been physically alone with. It can be argued that e-mailing and messaging are ways of "being connected" with somebody, but there is something about real time verbal exchanges that can NEVER be replicated.

The good news is, after being with him, in the flesh, my admiration for him only grew. I began to appreciate the "real"things about him. I began to see how truly uncomfortable I made him, and how amazing it felt to walk with him, how much taller he is than I am, how safe he makes me feel. It was like...eventhough we exchanged all sorts of information and he had the ability to make me laugh and smile from miles and miles away...being with him in person gave me the ability to meet a whole new part of him. The outside, the behavioral side, the unplanned and instinctual side.

So, I've got a new motivation. A hunger for something. And it feels good. The not so good parts...well...the basic...

letting someone in...it's always hard for me. I mean, I am far from perfect. I don't even know how to fake perfect without cracking. I'm still working on simply trying to be photogenic. I can't hide things very well. I have to admit that life alone is less stressful. I want to be somebody's idea of perfection and I have to learn, to realize, that is never going to happen. Nobody will ever think I am perfect, nor will they like me "just how I am." That is an unrealistic expectation to put on to somebody else.

The funny thing, however, is that I think I am capable of loving my man just how he is, as long as he can be honest about his faults. I don't mind imperfection as long as you are aware of your faults. I mean, honestly, I am in the process of learning a lot more about my imperfections, I'm learning more about them on a regular basis, it seems.

But, we have our stumbling blocks...we're still trying to iron out the daily things...communication...how to feel each other out...likes and dislikes...and the distance thing.

We live in different cities. I think we both tried to find the silver lining in that at first. It's not the worst, I guess. We still talk daily and we are only four hours away from each other. But, mix that with the fact that I'm a Mom and we work opposite schedules...stumbling blocks. On the other hand, I appreciate him so much. Anytime I see him, I just want to milk each second dry. Being with him makes me happy and being without him makes me imagine what it would be like to have him full time.

But, all in due time I suppose. I mean, if distance is the biggest problem right now, I'd take that over any of the other typical issues.

I feel incomplete without him.

even more than before

I get excited. I get excited easily. I'm positive and excitable. I like to drive fast and talk fast and fuck hard. I move too fast for my own good.

I need to have fun. I need the person I'm with to know how to have fun with me. My life is demanding and I need to know that the person I spend my time with knows how to sit back and enjoy.

I've learned that, in most cases, a man that doesn't enjoy blowjobs is a man that can't relax. So, if I meet a guy who claims he's not into blowjobs, I refuse to let him give me head. It's only fair. If he's not going to relax, then neither am I.

I like a man who will kiss me on the mouth, deep and hard, after going down on me. It makes me feel like he likes the taste of me... in all varieties.

I move too quickly. I show too much. I feel too fast. I fall too fast. I leave too fast.

Like a tornado, a magnifying glass held to my heart, a person turned inside out, an elevator that has it's cables cut, a story barely begun and abandoned into the trashcan.

too quickly, too destructive, too revealing, too sensitive, falling quickly, and never completely unraveled.

But, I think I'm okay this way. I know I'm okay this way.

I may be crazy, but I'm hardly unreasonable.

Denouement

It's been a rough day. Reality had its way with me. Money, rent, school, living.... and it put me in a foul mood. A ranting mood. I got home and did just that. Ranted and ranted online to my man. Whined and worried and unwound a bit. And I felt like everything was a million times worse because, in all honesty, I want to be geographically closer to him, but I feel trapped where I am. I know what I want, I just don't know how to get to where I want to be. And he said the perfect thing "I'm not sure either, but I'll go along with you regardless."

And that's what I'm talking about. I mean, in a bigger sense, isn't that perfect? And maybe he was trying to be perfect, or maybe it was a natural response to a female freaking out, or maybe it's just the way he feels, but whatever the motivation, at that moment it shut me up. Everything seemed better and brighter and more tolerable, all because he'll "go with me regardless." And this isnt a situation where I feel like I have any upper hand or control because I know that I would do the same for him. I love this man.

Sometimes I worry if I keep loving and praising and advertising how wonderful I feel with and about him, I'll lose him. Maybe it's insecurity, or being uncomfortable with loss of control, but I just always have this aching feeling that if I love him too much, he's going to go away. Like maybe one day he'll realize that there are many more opportunities out there in the way of other relationships and he'll want to try them out. And what can I do at that point. My fear will be reality. And I can walk away with that stupid justification that "at least I was able to have him in my life, if only for a while." That's terrible, but I guess it helps me to cope. But, inside, I'll be angry and destroyed and wrecked. I won't want to look at the bright side, or be thankful for the time we shared. I will be pissed because i wanted him for always and I wanted him to want me that much too.

Another extreme example of this attitude would be the case of me and my son. When he was born, I tried not to get too attached to him. His father was constantly threatening to take me to court and have custody taken away from me. There was also the fact that he was a baby and anything could hurt him, he was vulnerable in so many ways. I made it a point to control my love for him. I mean, i loved him with all my heart, but I had to rationalize that if anything happened to him at 6 months or 1 year or 2, I would have to go on without him. It's a morbid thought, but in all honesty it crossed my mind. I felt that if I loved him and he was kidnapped or in a car accident or got sick and died I wouldn't be able to live, I would really be lost, so it was better to not get too attached. I had to learn to get over that with him. Eventually I did learn to love him fully and without fear. I came to terms with the fac that it is my job to keep him safe and well. And that realization changed everything. But, then again,he is my son.

It's as if I would rather have a small taste of happiness and then walk away from it, or push it away because I'm scared to loose it. I can always reflect on the small taste of happiness I had for a small time. Because loving fully can hurt too much.

But, that is no way to live. Controlling such positive emotions and letting the negative ones sabotage you. I don't want to live that life.

The hang up for me is that, I feel I have the capacity to really love fully, but I'm also prepared for not being loved back. Seriously. I have rationalized love, again, in that, I'll repeat, I will allow myself to love fully and completely, but I will be prepared to not be loved back. And that's what I go to sleep with. The fear that one day when I wake up I will not be loved back by him, but I will still be in love with him. Just facing that idea makes me want to curl up and wait and look for signs of the end. But, I know, in my heart, I want to be with him always and by choice.Because my heart makes me feel like there is no other way to exsist in a world where he is present unless its by his side. I love him and I choose to be with him and only him. This is it. And I don't want it to be any other way.

And we're back...

After the drama from the night before, I have somehow landed back in my man's good graces. And thank goodness. I was going batty wondering if we could ever be the same again.

So, today, I feel wonderful. I feel like the world makes a little more sense today than it did yesterday. I would really love to give you a deep and meaningful explanation of how i feel, but there isn't one, it's simple. I feel loved again and considering the fact that I am so completely enamored with my man, feeling loved by him makes me feel complete.

I've always been a bit fearful of commitment. I mean, I've had long relationships . And, honestly, living with people, hanging out with them, meeting the family...all the logical steps towards serious commitment have never been a problem with me. But, I just never want to seal the deal, in the marriage sense. I mean, I have dated and been up front, and verbally expressed, that though the relationship is lasting a long time,I would never never marry them. Now, the argument for a while was "people don't have to get married. they can just be together for a long time." Uh, really, yeah, cause that's what I want when I'm 50. A live-in boyfriend who I have lukewarm feelings about. Fuck that masturbation. I want the real dirty dirty. I want marriage.

I want the authentic feeling that even if things get real and start to hit the fan...I'll have my man by my side and he'll have me by his. As backwards and non-feminist as it may sound, I want to belong to him and for him to belong to me. And I want it, I've wanted it. But,truth be told, I never found anyone that I wanted it WITH.Not enough to actually do it. Until now,I never wanted to be committed to somebody FOREVER. And it may seem unrealistic, considering statistics, but marriage to me, is forever.

I actually want to be with my man forever. I want to watch summer fireworks, celebrate his birthdays, come up with Halloween costumes, hang Christmas ornaments, kiss at midnight bringing in the new year, celebrate my birthdays,Valentine's day, spring vacations, and all over again, over and over again.

I want to commit to him. I want to belong to him, forever. It feels so strange to say, but I want to marry that man. I know that eventually I will want to talk about other things than our reflections on love. I know that eventually relationship's dynamic will change and I will grown and he will grown and the environment may press upon us...but good or bad, busy or boring, up or down...I want to live, love, feel pain, anxiety, fullfillment, laugh at his jokes, I want to be by his side for always.

good idea!

You were a fine idea at first. We met, we fucked, we loved. I thought you hung the moon for me at night. Then I fuck up. I give in to your provocation. I punched you (six or so times) in you're smirky little face. You deserved it. I was too drunk to remember why. But now, after knowing you, i'm pretty certain you deserved it. You, dear sir, are more fucked up than I.

You are violent and abusive. You abuse emotionally, verbally, physically, mentally, any way I can think of and you do. And you do, so well. You, fellow human, don't act with humanity. You, sir, are a scared and wicked little man.

I gloated and sang and skipped to your name. I imagined us everywhere doing everything together. I swore to myself that I would do all I could to make it work because my heart hurt without you. I was so wrapped up in you.

the last night we were together... after I told you I was leaving you... more than once... you showed up at my door, sad and asking for us to start over again. I tried. I tried. But, this time, when you got angry and grabbed my wrists and sat on top of me with all your weight... i was scared. I was more than a little terrified of you. usually a scene like that one would make me want to fuck you blind. But that night, it made me sob loud little girl sobs. My eyes were puffy and I didn't want to fuck. I wanted you to get off of me and go away.

You looked so hurt. I knew you knew. this would be the last time we shared time and space. this was it. that was it. you said we needed that last time to know it was really done. I could've lived my whole life without that day ever happening. I never wanted to see you through scared and terrified eyes.

You are mean and rigid and bitter and hurt. scared and scarred and unmendable and drastic.

You're still mean to me. In your own, completely expected, passive aggressive ways. You exploit everything you can. and you will continue to. And your silly minions whom you call friends will eat up the details of your life and relationships and this will make you feel important and complete. But it's empty. Those people, the secrets you share... they are all blown up, distorted truths, complete and empty farce. You will get what you give. you will be surrounded by false people and fake emotions, because that's what you have to offer the world.

Yet still, i hope the best for you. I hope I'm wrong and you will see the error of your ways.I hope that you will become human again.

That didn't take long

I'm fucking damaged. It's that simple. I can't handle liquor and I become a big mean brat. I say horrible things. Mean mean things.

I hurt the person I care so much about. I hurt him and I was drunk and cold while doing it. I don't know why I have to constantly sabotage my situations.

I drank a lot. A lot. And I didn't eat all day long. And the day was going really really well with my wonderful loving boyfriend. And then, like a switch, I became mean and threw a damn tantrum. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by how I acted. I don't know what is wrong with me. I said things I regret and did things I regret. the last thing in the world I want to is was hurt this wonderful loving man in my life.

And, of course, I said things, he said things. Waking up this morning gave me a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. I can't believe some of the things that were said and done last night. I didn't mean any of the horrible things I said and I was so drunk and in my own world all I could focus on was my anger. I am a monster. I don't want to be with me right now. I am a mess.

I can barely remember where we were when things changed. When I stopped having a good time and started looking at my love as my enemy. I don't know when it happened. He could have really unleashed on me last night too. He could have really hurt me, broken me, and left me in pieces. Granted, there are some things he said that hurt, but I said some horrible things as well. I learned things last night that I wish I could unlearn. I want to unhear some of the things that came out of his mouth.

I need to learn to be a better person. I need to learn where my boundaries are and exactly how far I can go.I need to stop living life through the trial and error method. I need to really get it together, because I love this man in my life and i want to be better for him. It's usually so easy for me to just walk away from a situation like this and say "we gave it our best and it didn't work out." But, not this time. He's it for me. I don't want this to end.

Unexpected

So, today I received a message via Facebook from my very first boyfriend. We dated when we were 15 and he was the first boy I ever kissed. He is now married and happy and has an entire "life." However, on today, his birthday, he decided to message me with an apology for all the times he drunk dialed me along the years. Now, this message from him brought back a few memories. Not so much the drunk dialing, because I only remember one time that it happened. It's nice to see, however, that he's grown into technology and his drunk dialing has morphed into drunk e-mailing.

the thing I remember most is the first time I kissed him. But, before I go there, let me give you some background. This guy was the most punk rock guy in my middle school. He had sid vicious spiked hair and a furrowed brow and when he spoke his lip curled up on one side like he was snarling. I remember he broke his leg his 8th grade year and had to have a cast and crutches for what seemed like the whole year. I remember him, hair spikey, on his crutches with a giant yellow "nevermind the bollocks" shirt.He had a girlfriend too. They had been together all through middle school, which was an extremely long time back then. She wasn't so punk rock. She was sweet, she lavished him with gifts and attention and she was DEVOTED. His girlfriend was also my best friend's older sister. Spending the night at my best friends house put me next door to the room where my beloved and his girlfriend would kiss and listen to music. It was exciting stuff. I soon became an 8th grader and he left my middle school.A year went by and I was at the top of my game, big fish small pond. I didn't completely forget him though. truth be told, everytime I made a wish, some part of it involved asking the powers that be to make him love me.

Summer, before high school and my best friend is having a birthday party. It was laser quest. for those of you who are unfamiliar, it a place where you strap on a pack a'la ghostbusters that is connected to a laser gun and you are split onto teams in a blacklit multi level obstacle course to let each other have it. He was there, with his girlfriend. It had been a while. A few days prior to this party, I received a strange phonecall. It was him. I don't know how he got my number, I didn't care, he called me. We talked a bit, he still had the same girlfriend, but he said he was going to break up with her. "See you at the party," we agreed. So, there I was, in the dark, finding a post to pick people off. Suddenly to my side, I see him. He sneaks me a school picture of him and a note. His teeth glowed blue as he smiled huge and I stuck the evidence in the top of my 14 hole docs. Nobody could ever find out about this. Soon the birthday party was over and I went to my best friends to spend the night.

Sitting in the car on our way to my friends house, it was tense and quiet. The girlfriend sat in the front seat stoic and cold. I sat in the back with my friend wondering what the silence was about. It was a party afterall. My friend whispered to me "he broke up with her at the party."

shit.

I went to my friends house, her sister ran up the stairs and slammed the door and played "don't speak" on repeat all night long. Me and my best friend sat and talked and somehow I knew that this was the last time we would be doing this. That night was the last time things would ever be the same, normal. All that I knew was about to change and there was a heavy feeling in my chest that life was moving forward quickly.

Eventually, him and I met up at the mall, we goofed off, talked on the phone all night, went to amusements parks and drank orange julius. Sometimes I'd pretend to throw up my orange julius infront of a group of unsuspecting ladies just to see if I could make them sick. We got kicked out of the mall for chasing each other with squirt guns and things were too much fun. My best friend stopped speaking to me after finding out that he was talking to me now. I had done nothing, but I took the blame. It was worth it.
So, the dollar theater. We were in the arcade, again it is dark and there is blacklight. Blacklight was like the moodlighting for teens in the 90s. He played a game while I stood near. As soon as he finished playing he turned around and I stood up and we were face to face. he led me to the side of the game where he kissed me. With tongue. It was awkward and foreign and I couldn't believe that somebody's tongue was actually inside my mouth. Nobody had ever been that close, that connected to me before. Then it was over. "that was my first kiss," I said. "yeah, i could tell," he replied.

damn.

Needless to say, I got better at kissing, with lots of summer practice of course. I also learned all about how to get hot and heavy then pop up quickly at the sound of a door knob being touched and pretend to watch T.V. Ninja like qualities so very important to the experimenting teen.

So, today, over 10 years later I receive a message with an apology. But, lucky for me, I don't remember the bad times. All I have are memories of how I left 8th grade not knowing what the summer had in store for me and entered high school with a boyfriend. My first boyfriend and my first puppy love. happy birthday to you.