That didn't take long

I'm fucking damaged. It's that simple. I can't handle liquor and I become a big mean brat. I say horrible things. Mean mean things.

I hurt the person I care so much about. I hurt him and I was drunk and cold while doing it. I don't know why I have to constantly sabotage my situations.

I drank a lot. A lot. And I didn't eat all day long. And the day was going really really well with my wonderful loving boyfriend. And then, like a switch, I became mean and threw a damn tantrum. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by how I acted. I don't know what is wrong with me. I said things I regret and did things I regret. the last thing in the world I want to is was hurt this wonderful loving man in my life.

And, of course, I said things, he said things. Waking up this morning gave me a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. I can't believe some of the things that were said and done last night. I didn't mean any of the horrible things I said and I was so drunk and in my own world all I could focus on was my anger. I am a monster. I don't want to be with me right now. I am a mess.

I can barely remember where we were when things changed. When I stopped having a good time and started looking at my love as my enemy. I don't know when it happened. He could have really unleashed on me last night too. He could have really hurt me, broken me, and left me in pieces. Granted, there are some things he said that hurt, but I said some horrible things as well. I learned things last night that I wish I could unlearn. I want to unhear some of the things that came out of his mouth.

I need to learn to be a better person. I need to learn where my boundaries are and exactly how far I can go.I need to stop living life through the trial and error method. I need to really get it together, because I love this man in my life and i want to be better for him. It's usually so easy for me to just walk away from a situation like this and say "we gave it our best and it didn't work out." But, not this time. He's it for me. I don't want this to end.