Lately

So things have been changing for me quite a bit lately.

Lately is a very loose term. I guess the last 2 years have been full of pretty big changes. But, for the last 6 months at least, my life found a very comfortable (read: lazy) and content spot to curl up in.

At the time I didn't feel especially cut off or disconnected. But now...now I have found somebody that I want to let in and with them I want to go out, show off, do things. So, now that we go out and I run into people whom I have known since I was a teenager yet I haven't seen for literally years,they all say the same phrase and it makes me realize I did drop off for a while. They all say "Where have you been? You, like, dissapeared for a while." I guess the time just passed and things moved forward while I built walls. The sad part is, good things happened during my "dropping out" time, but I have nobody to reference those days with. Those days were mine and the Bean's, but a 5 year old's memory is a tricky thing. Does that mean I just lost that time. It's gone because it can't be referenced.

Even more strange,When I was comfy and content, it didn't mean I was at all secure. And how, explain to me, does one find a way to be insecure when they don't have anybody around to judge them.

Don't get me wrong, I did all the things I was supposed to. I worked, ate, played, I was still a great mom and if anything my son, my little Bean kept me sane. Getting up in the morning was for him completely. Going out for the day to the park or bowling or planting a garden...all for him. At times, I'd have a significant other involved in my life, or in retrospect, an insignificant other, I guess. But, the realationships I held were distant and really didn't involve too much interaction.Insignificant.

But, I digress...things are changing. I want and need now for something other than the pure neccesities. I actually want MORE of something of someone. Now, I could see the argument that not wanting for things is a good thing and spiritually correct and all that crap...but hey, I'm American. Wanting more is what we do. Manifest Destiny, bitches...from sea to shining sea.

I've met someone who I've always known. I feel like, eventhough I didn't know his favorite sleeping position, or what deoderant he used, or even what the touch of his hand felt like, I knew something about him. And, I felt like he knew me quite well too. That's a strange feeling, to have so much information about someone, to communicate so much with somebody and still not know exactly what it feels like to breath the same air.In other words, to be more basic and lose the poetic extras, I felt intimate with someone I had never really been physically alone with. It can be argued that e-mailing and messaging are ways of "being connected" with somebody, but there is something about real time verbal exchanges that can NEVER be replicated.

The good news is, after being with him, in the flesh, my admiration for him only grew. I began to appreciate the "real"things about him. I began to see how truly uncomfortable I made him, and how amazing it felt to walk with him, how much taller he is than I am, how safe he makes me feel. It was like...eventhough we exchanged all sorts of information and he had the ability to make me laugh and smile from miles and miles away...being with him in person gave me the ability to meet a whole new part of him. The outside, the behavioral side, the unplanned and instinctual side.

So, I've got a new motivation. A hunger for something. And it feels good. The not so good parts...well...the basic...

letting someone in...it's always hard for me. I mean, I am far from perfect. I don't even know how to fake perfect without cracking. I'm still working on simply trying to be photogenic. I can't hide things very well. I have to admit that life alone is less stressful. I want to be somebody's idea of perfection and I have to learn, to realize, that is never going to happen. Nobody will ever think I am perfect, nor will they like me "just how I am." That is an unrealistic expectation to put on to somebody else.

The funny thing, however, is that I think I am capable of loving my man just how he is, as long as he can be honest about his faults. I don't mind imperfection as long as you are aware of your faults. I mean, honestly, I am in the process of learning a lot more about my imperfections, I'm learning more about them on a regular basis, it seems.

But, we have our stumbling blocks...we're still trying to iron out the daily things...communication...how to feel each other out...likes and dislikes...and the distance thing.

We live in different cities. I think we both tried to find the silver lining in that at first. It's not the worst, I guess. We still talk daily and we are only four hours away from each other. But, mix that with the fact that I'm a Mom and we work opposite schedules...stumbling blocks. On the other hand, I appreciate him so much. Anytime I see him, I just want to milk each second dry. Being with him makes me happy and being without him makes me imagine what it would be like to have him full time.

But, all in due time I suppose. I mean, if distance is the biggest problem right now, I'd take that over any of the other typical issues.

I feel incomplete without him.