Lately

So things have been changing for me quite a bit lately.

Lately is a very loose term. I guess the last 2 years have been full of pretty big changes. But, for the last 6 months at least, my life found a very comfortable (read: lazy) and content spot to curl up in.

At the time I didn't feel especially cut off or disconnected. But now...now I have found somebody that I want to let in and with them I want to go out, show off, do things. So, now that we go out and I run into people whom I have known since I was a teenager yet I haven't seen for literally years,they all say the same phrase and it makes me realize I did drop off for a while. They all say "Where have you been? You, like, dissapeared for a while." I guess the time just passed and things moved forward while I built walls. The sad part is, good things happened during my "dropping out" time, but I have nobody to reference those days with. Those days were mine and the Bean's, but a 5 year old's memory is a tricky thing. Does that mean I just lost that time. It's gone because it can't be referenced.

Even more strange,When I was comfy and content, it didn't mean I was at all secure. And how, explain to me, does one find a way to be insecure when they don't have anybody around to judge them.

Don't get me wrong, I did all the things I was supposed to. I worked, ate, played, I was still a great mom and if anything my son, my little Bean kept me sane. Getting up in the morning was for him completely. Going out for the day to the park or bowling or planting a garden...all for him. At times, I'd have a significant other involved in my life, or in retrospect, an insignificant other, I guess. But, the realationships I held were distant and really didn't involve too much interaction.Insignificant.

But, I digress...things are changing. I want and need now for something other than the pure neccesities. I actually want MORE of something of someone. Now, I could see the argument that not wanting for things is a good thing and spiritually correct and all that crap...but hey, I'm American. Wanting more is what we do. Manifest Destiny, bitches...from sea to shining sea.

I've met someone who I've always known. I feel like, eventhough I didn't know his favorite sleeping position, or what deoderant he used, or even what the touch of his hand felt like, I knew something about him. And, I felt like he knew me quite well too. That's a strange feeling, to have so much information about someone, to communicate so much with somebody and still not know exactly what it feels like to breath the same air.In other words, to be more basic and lose the poetic extras, I felt intimate with someone I had never really been physically alone with. It can be argued that e-mailing and messaging are ways of "being connected" with somebody, but there is something about real time verbal exchanges that can NEVER be replicated.

The good news is, after being with him, in the flesh, my admiration for him only grew. I began to appreciate the "real"things about him. I began to see how truly uncomfortable I made him, and how amazing it felt to walk with him, how much taller he is than I am, how safe he makes me feel. It was like...eventhough we exchanged all sorts of information and he had the ability to make me laugh and smile from miles and miles away...being with him in person gave me the ability to meet a whole new part of him. The outside, the behavioral side, the unplanned and instinctual side.

So, I've got a new motivation. A hunger for something. And it feels good. The not so good parts...well...the basic...

letting someone in...it's always hard for me. I mean, I am far from perfect. I don't even know how to fake perfect without cracking. I'm still working on simply trying to be photogenic. I can't hide things very well. I have to admit that life alone is less stressful. I want to be somebody's idea of perfection and I have to learn, to realize, that is never going to happen. Nobody will ever think I am perfect, nor will they like me "just how I am." That is an unrealistic expectation to put on to somebody else.

The funny thing, however, is that I think I am capable of loving my man just how he is, as long as he can be honest about his faults. I don't mind imperfection as long as you are aware of your faults. I mean, honestly, I am in the process of learning a lot more about my imperfections, I'm learning more about them on a regular basis, it seems.

But, we have our stumbling blocks...we're still trying to iron out the daily things...communication...how to feel each other out...likes and dislikes...and the distance thing.

We live in different cities. I think we both tried to find the silver lining in that at first. It's not the worst, I guess. We still talk daily and we are only four hours away from each other. But, mix that with the fact that I'm a Mom and we work opposite schedules...stumbling blocks. On the other hand, I appreciate him so much. Anytime I see him, I just want to milk each second dry. Being with him makes me happy and being without him makes me imagine what it would be like to have him full time.

But, all in due time I suppose. I mean, if distance is the biggest problem right now, I'd take that over any of the other typical issues.

I feel incomplete without him.

even more than before

I get excited. I get excited easily. I'm positive and excitable. I like to drive fast and talk fast and fuck hard. I move too fast for my own good.

I need to have fun. I need the person I'm with to know how to have fun with me. My life is demanding and I need to know that the person I spend my time with knows how to sit back and enjoy.

I've learned that, in most cases, a man that doesn't enjoy blowjobs is a man that can't relax. So, if I meet a guy who claims he's not into blowjobs, I refuse to let him give me head. It's only fair. If he's not going to relax, then neither am I.

I like a man who will kiss me on the mouth, deep and hard, after going down on me. It makes me feel like he likes the taste of me... in all varieties.

I move too quickly. I show too much. I feel too fast. I fall too fast. I leave too fast.

Like a tornado, a magnifying glass held to my heart, a person turned inside out, an elevator that has it's cables cut, a story barely begun and abandoned into the trashcan.

too quickly, too destructive, too revealing, too sensitive, falling quickly, and never completely unraveled.

But, I think I'm okay this way. I know I'm okay this way.

I may be crazy, but I'm hardly unreasonable.

Denouement

It's been a rough day. Reality had its way with me. Money, rent, school, living.... and it put me in a foul mood. A ranting mood. I got home and did just that. Ranted and ranted online to my man. Whined and worried and unwound a bit. And I felt like everything was a million times worse because, in all honesty, I want to be geographically closer to him, but I feel trapped where I am. I know what I want, I just don't know how to get to where I want to be. And he said the perfect thing "I'm not sure either, but I'll go along with you regardless."

And that's what I'm talking about. I mean, in a bigger sense, isn't that perfect? And maybe he was trying to be perfect, or maybe it was a natural response to a female freaking out, or maybe it's just the way he feels, but whatever the motivation, at that moment it shut me up. Everything seemed better and brighter and more tolerable, all because he'll "go with me regardless." And this isnt a situation where I feel like I have any upper hand or control because I know that I would do the same for him. I love this man.

Sometimes I worry if I keep loving and praising and advertising how wonderful I feel with and about him, I'll lose him. Maybe it's insecurity, or being uncomfortable with loss of control, but I just always have this aching feeling that if I love him too much, he's going to go away. Like maybe one day he'll realize that there are many more opportunities out there in the way of other relationships and he'll want to try them out. And what can I do at that point. My fear will be reality. And I can walk away with that stupid justification that "at least I was able to have him in my life, if only for a while." That's terrible, but I guess it helps me to cope. But, inside, I'll be angry and destroyed and wrecked. I won't want to look at the bright side, or be thankful for the time we shared. I will be pissed because i wanted him for always and I wanted him to want me that much too.

Another extreme example of this attitude would be the case of me and my son. When he was born, I tried not to get too attached to him. His father was constantly threatening to take me to court and have custody taken away from me. There was also the fact that he was a baby and anything could hurt him, he was vulnerable in so many ways. I made it a point to control my love for him. I mean, i loved him with all my heart, but I had to rationalize that if anything happened to him at 6 months or 1 year or 2, I would have to go on without him. It's a morbid thought, but in all honesty it crossed my mind. I felt that if I loved him and he was kidnapped or in a car accident or got sick and died I wouldn't be able to live, I would really be lost, so it was better to not get too attached. I had to learn to get over that with him. Eventually I did learn to love him fully and without fear. I came to terms with the fac that it is my job to keep him safe and well. And that realization changed everything. But, then again,he is my son.

It's as if I would rather have a small taste of happiness and then walk away from it, or push it away because I'm scared to loose it. I can always reflect on the small taste of happiness I had for a small time. Because loving fully can hurt too much.

But, that is no way to live. Controlling such positive emotions and letting the negative ones sabotage you. I don't want to live that life.

The hang up for me is that, I feel I have the capacity to really love fully, but I'm also prepared for not being loved back. Seriously. I have rationalized love, again, in that, I'll repeat, I will allow myself to love fully and completely, but I will be prepared to not be loved back. And that's what I go to sleep with. The fear that one day when I wake up I will not be loved back by him, but I will still be in love with him. Just facing that idea makes me want to curl up and wait and look for signs of the end. But, I know, in my heart, I want to be with him always and by choice.Because my heart makes me feel like there is no other way to exsist in a world where he is present unless its by his side. I love him and I choose to be with him and only him. This is it. And I don't want it to be any other way.