good idea!

You were a fine idea at first. We met, we fucked, we loved. I thought you hung the moon for me at night. Then I fuck up. I give in to your provocation. I punched you (six or so times) in you're smirky little face. You deserved it. I was too drunk to remember why. But now, after knowing you, i'm pretty certain you deserved it. You, dear sir, are more fucked up than I.

You are violent and abusive. You abuse emotionally, verbally, physically, mentally, any way I can think of and you do. And you do, so well. You, fellow human, don't act with humanity. You, sir, are a scared and wicked little man.

I gloated and sang and skipped to your name. I imagined us everywhere doing everything together. I swore to myself that I would do all I could to make it work because my heart hurt without you. I was so wrapped up in you.

the last night we were together... after I told you I was leaving you... more than once... you showed up at my door, sad and asking for us to start over again. I tried. I tried. But, this time, when you got angry and grabbed my wrists and sat on top of me with all your weight... i was scared. I was more than a little terrified of you. usually a scene like that one would make me want to fuck you blind. But that night, it made me sob loud little girl sobs. My eyes were puffy and I didn't want to fuck. I wanted you to get off of me and go away.

You looked so hurt. I knew you knew. this would be the last time we shared time and space. this was it. that was it. you said we needed that last time to know it was really done. I could've lived my whole life without that day ever happening. I never wanted to see you through scared and terrified eyes.

You are mean and rigid and bitter and hurt. scared and scarred and unmendable and drastic.

You're still mean to me. In your own, completely expected, passive aggressive ways. You exploit everything you can. and you will continue to. And your silly minions whom you call friends will eat up the details of your life and relationships and this will make you feel important and complete. But it's empty. Those people, the secrets you share... they are all blown up, distorted truths, complete and empty farce. You will get what you give. you will be surrounded by false people and fake emotions, because that's what you have to offer the world.

Yet still, i hope the best for you. I hope I'm wrong and you will see the error of your ways.I hope that you will become human again.

That didn't take long

I'm fucking damaged. It's that simple. I can't handle liquor and I become a big mean brat. I say horrible things. Mean mean things.

I hurt the person I care so much about. I hurt him and I was drunk and cold while doing it. I don't know why I have to constantly sabotage my situations.

I drank a lot. A lot. And I didn't eat all day long. And the day was going really really well with my wonderful loving boyfriend. And then, like a switch, I became mean and threw a damn tantrum. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by how I acted. I don't know what is wrong with me. I said things I regret and did things I regret. the last thing in the world I want to is was hurt this wonderful loving man in my life.

And, of course, I said things, he said things. Waking up this morning gave me a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. I can't believe some of the things that were said and done last night. I didn't mean any of the horrible things I said and I was so drunk and in my own world all I could focus on was my anger. I am a monster. I don't want to be with me right now. I am a mess.

I can barely remember where we were when things changed. When I stopped having a good time and started looking at my love as my enemy. I don't know when it happened. He could have really unleashed on me last night too. He could have really hurt me, broken me, and left me in pieces. Granted, there are some things he said that hurt, but I said some horrible things as well. I learned things last night that I wish I could unlearn. I want to unhear some of the things that came out of his mouth.

I need to learn to be a better person. I need to learn where my boundaries are and exactly how far I can go.I need to stop living life through the trial and error method. I need to really get it together, because I love this man in my life and i want to be better for him. It's usually so easy for me to just walk away from a situation like this and say "we gave it our best and it didn't work out." But, not this time. He's it for me. I don't want this to end.