After the drama from the night before, I have somehow landed back in my man's good graces. And thank goodness. I was going batty wondering if we could ever be the same again.
So, today, I feel wonderful. I feel like the world makes a little more sense today than it did yesterday. I would really love to give you a deep and meaningful explanation of how i feel, but there isn't one, it's simple. I feel loved again and considering the fact that I am so completely enamored with my man, feeling loved by him makes me feel complete.
I've always been a bit fearful of commitment. I mean, I've had long relationships . And, honestly, living with people, hanging out with them, meeting the family...all the logical steps towards serious commitment have never been a problem with me. But, I just never want to seal the deal, in the marriage sense. I mean, I have dated and been up front, and verbally expressed, that though the relationship is lasting a long time,I would never never marry them. Now, the argument for a while was "people don't have to get married. they can just be together for a long time." Uh, really, yeah, cause that's what I want when I'm 50. A live-in boyfriend who I have lukewarm feelings about. Fuck that masturbation. I want the real dirty dirty. I want marriage.
I want the authentic feeling that even if things get real and start to hit the fan...I'll have my man by my side and he'll have me by his. As backwards and non-feminist as it may sound, I want to belong to him and for him to belong to me. And I want it, I've wanted it. But,truth be told, I never found anyone that I wanted it WITH.Not enough to actually do it. Until now,I never wanted to be committed to somebody FOREVER. And it may seem unrealistic, considering statistics, but marriage to me, is forever.
I actually want to be with my man forever. I want to watch summer fireworks, celebrate his birthdays, come up with Halloween costumes, hang Christmas ornaments, kiss at midnight bringing in the new year, celebrate my birthdays,Valentine's day, spring vacations, and all over again, over and over again.
I want to commit to him. I want to belong to him, forever. It feels so strange to say, but I want to marry that man. I know that eventually I will want to talk about other things than our reflections on love. I know that eventually relationship's dynamic will change and I will grown and he will grown and the environment may press upon us...but good or bad, busy or boring, up or down...I want to live, love, feel pain, anxiety, fullfillment, laugh at his jokes, I want to be by his side for always.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
good idea!
You were a fine idea at first. We met, we fucked, we loved. I thought you hung the moon for me at night. Then I fuck up. I give in to your provocation. I punched you (six or so times) in you're smirky little face. You deserved it. I was too drunk to remember why. But now, after knowing you, i'm pretty certain you deserved it. You, dear sir, are more fucked up than I.
You are violent and abusive. You abuse emotionally, verbally, physically, mentally, any way I can think of and you do. And you do, so well. You, fellow human, don't act with humanity. You, sir, are a scared and wicked little man.
I gloated and sang and skipped to your name. I imagined us everywhere doing everything together. I swore to myself that I would do all I could to make it work because my heart hurt without you. I was so wrapped up in you.
the last night we were together... after I told you I was leaving you... more than once... you showed up at my door, sad and asking for us to start over again. I tried. I tried. But, this time, when you got angry and grabbed my wrists and sat on top of me with all your weight... i was scared. I was more than a little terrified of you. usually a scene like that one would make me want to fuck you blind. But that night, it made me sob loud little girl sobs. My eyes were puffy and I didn't want to fuck. I wanted you to get off of me and go away.
You looked so hurt. I knew you knew. this would be the last time we shared time and space. this was it. that was it. you said we needed that last time to know it was really done. I could've lived my whole life without that day ever happening. I never wanted to see you through scared and terrified eyes.
You are mean and rigid and bitter and hurt. scared and scarred and unmendable and drastic.
You're still mean to me. In your own, completely expected, passive aggressive ways. You exploit everything you can. and you will continue to. And your silly minions whom you call friends will eat up the details of your life and relationships and this will make you feel important and complete. But it's empty. Those people, the secrets you share... they are all blown up, distorted truths, complete and empty farce. You will get what you give. you will be surrounded by false people and fake emotions, because that's what you have to offer the world.
Yet still, i hope the best for you. I hope I'm wrong and you will see the error of your ways.I hope that you will become human again.
You are violent and abusive. You abuse emotionally, verbally, physically, mentally, any way I can think of and you do. And you do, so well. You, fellow human, don't act with humanity. You, sir, are a scared and wicked little man.
I gloated and sang and skipped to your name. I imagined us everywhere doing everything together. I swore to myself that I would do all I could to make it work because my heart hurt without you. I was so wrapped up in you.
the last night we were together... after I told you I was leaving you... more than once... you showed up at my door, sad and asking for us to start over again. I tried. I tried. But, this time, when you got angry and grabbed my wrists and sat on top of me with all your weight... i was scared. I was more than a little terrified of you. usually a scene like that one would make me want to fuck you blind. But that night, it made me sob loud little girl sobs. My eyes were puffy and I didn't want to fuck. I wanted you to get off of me and go away.
You looked so hurt. I knew you knew. this would be the last time we shared time and space. this was it. that was it. you said we needed that last time to know it was really done. I could've lived my whole life without that day ever happening. I never wanted to see you through scared and terrified eyes.
You are mean and rigid and bitter and hurt. scared and scarred and unmendable and drastic.
You're still mean to me. In your own, completely expected, passive aggressive ways. You exploit everything you can. and you will continue to. And your silly minions whom you call friends will eat up the details of your life and relationships and this will make you feel important and complete. But it's empty. Those people, the secrets you share... they are all blown up, distorted truths, complete and empty farce. You will get what you give. you will be surrounded by false people and fake emotions, because that's what you have to offer the world.
Yet still, i hope the best for you. I hope I'm wrong and you will see the error of your ways.I hope that you will become human again.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
That didn't take long
I'm fucking damaged. It's that simple. I can't handle liquor and I become a big mean brat. I say horrible things. Mean mean things.
I hurt the person I care so much about. I hurt him and I was drunk and cold while doing it. I don't know why I have to constantly sabotage my situations.
I drank a lot. A lot. And I didn't eat all day long. And the day was going really really well with my wonderful loving boyfriend. And then, like a switch, I became mean and threw a damn tantrum. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by how I acted. I don't know what is wrong with me. I said things I regret and did things I regret. the last thing in the world I want to is was hurt this wonderful loving man in my life.
And, of course, I said things, he said things. Waking up this morning gave me a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. I can't believe some of the things that were said and done last night. I didn't mean any of the horrible things I said and I was so drunk and in my own world all I could focus on was my anger. I am a monster. I don't want to be with me right now. I am a mess.
I can barely remember where we were when things changed. When I stopped having a good time and started looking at my love as my enemy. I don't know when it happened. He could have really unleashed on me last night too. He could have really hurt me, broken me, and left me in pieces. Granted, there are some things he said that hurt, but I said some horrible things as well. I learned things last night that I wish I could unlearn. I want to unhear some of the things that came out of his mouth.
I need to learn to be a better person. I need to learn where my boundaries are and exactly how far I can go.I need to stop living life through the trial and error method. I need to really get it together, because I love this man in my life and i want to be better for him. It's usually so easy for me to just walk away from a situation like this and say "we gave it our best and it didn't work out." But, not this time. He's it for me. I don't want this to end.
I hurt the person I care so much about. I hurt him and I was drunk and cold while doing it. I don't know why I have to constantly sabotage my situations.
I drank a lot. A lot. And I didn't eat all day long. And the day was going really really well with my wonderful loving boyfriend. And then, like a switch, I became mean and threw a damn tantrum. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by how I acted. I don't know what is wrong with me. I said things I regret and did things I regret. the last thing in the world I want to is was hurt this wonderful loving man in my life.
And, of course, I said things, he said things. Waking up this morning gave me a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. I can't believe some of the things that were said and done last night. I didn't mean any of the horrible things I said and I was so drunk and in my own world all I could focus on was my anger. I am a monster. I don't want to be with me right now. I am a mess.
I can barely remember where we were when things changed. When I stopped having a good time and started looking at my love as my enemy. I don't know when it happened. He could have really unleashed on me last night too. He could have really hurt me, broken me, and left me in pieces. Granted, there are some things he said that hurt, but I said some horrible things as well. I learned things last night that I wish I could unlearn. I want to unhear some of the things that came out of his mouth.
I need to learn to be a better person. I need to learn where my boundaries are and exactly how far I can go.I need to stop living life through the trial and error method. I need to really get it together, because I love this man in my life and i want to be better for him. It's usually so easy for me to just walk away from a situation like this and say "we gave it our best and it didn't work out." But, not this time. He's it for me. I don't want this to end.
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