And we're back...

After the drama from the night before, I have somehow landed back in my man's good graces. And thank goodness. I was going batty wondering if we could ever be the same again.

So, today, I feel wonderful. I feel like the world makes a little more sense today than it did yesterday. I would really love to give you a deep and meaningful explanation of how i feel, but there isn't one, it's simple. I feel loved again and considering the fact that I am so completely enamored with my man, feeling loved by him makes me feel complete.

I've always been a bit fearful of commitment. I mean, I've had long relationships . And, honestly, living with people, hanging out with them, meeting the family...all the logical steps towards serious commitment have never been a problem with me. But, I just never want to seal the deal, in the marriage sense. I mean, I have dated and been up front, and verbally expressed, that though the relationship is lasting a long time,I would never never marry them. Now, the argument for a while was "people don't have to get married. they can just be together for a long time." Uh, really, yeah, cause that's what I want when I'm 50. A live-in boyfriend who I have lukewarm feelings about. Fuck that masturbation. I want the real dirty dirty. I want marriage.

I want the authentic feeling that even if things get real and start to hit the fan...I'll have my man by my side and he'll have me by his. As backwards and non-feminist as it may sound, I want to belong to him and for him to belong to me. And I want it, I've wanted it. But,truth be told, I never found anyone that I wanted it WITH.Not enough to actually do it. Until now,I never wanted to be committed to somebody FOREVER. And it may seem unrealistic, considering statistics, but marriage to me, is forever.

I actually want to be with my man forever. I want to watch summer fireworks, celebrate his birthdays, come up with Halloween costumes, hang Christmas ornaments, kiss at midnight bringing in the new year, celebrate my birthdays,Valentine's day, spring vacations, and all over again, over and over again.

I want to commit to him. I want to belong to him, forever. It feels so strange to say, but I want to marry that man. I know that eventually I will want to talk about other things than our reflections on love. I know that eventually relationship's dynamic will change and I will grown and he will grown and the environment may press upon us...but good or bad, busy or boring, up or down...I want to live, love, feel pain, anxiety, fullfillment, laugh at his jokes, I want to be by his side for always.